Adopting and going through fertility is stressful enough and then we add the money equation to the mix. Studies show that the wounds from money-related arguments can feel more painful than other types of arguments. Join Family Money Coaching as we teach you the 5 Techniques for Better Money Conversations from the Love & Money curriculum.
In the Preparing Financially for Adoption course and in our 21 Day Challenge, we teach you how to set up a weekly Money Date. We want to help you have regular communication about money to help you ease the conflicts in your relationship.
In the 20 years that I’ve been in the financial industry, I’ve experienced a great deal of marital strife between couples as they navigate the complexities of money and the struggles they have with everyday life. I remember a couple that came to me to buy a house. I pulled their credit report and immediately my heart sank. He had child support judgments. I gently placed the report in front of them and we reviewed it together. When I got to the child support judgments, she was shocked. She had no idea that he wasn’t supporting his children. A huge fight ensued, accusations were fired off, and suddenly I was wishing a hole would swallow me up. Now I realize that they weren’t communicating about money long before they came into my office and there were underlying issues that were compounded when I showed them the evidence.
Just because you don’t see a problem, doesn’t mean it will go away. It’s still lurking under the surface. A weekly communication about money is vital to stopping explosions, needling, and passive aggressive behavior.
In The Adoption and Fertility Finance Show episode on 5 Techniques for Better Money Conversations, I teach you how to discuss money during your Money Dates.
For another resource, check out our YouTube channel.
How Money Affects Your Adoption
If you are like normal people, you have disagreements with your spouse about money. Now, compound that with stress of fertility and adoption. When we were going through fertility, the drugs alone made me a crazy woman, then add on top of that my husband lost his job, then we both found employment and we were working diligently to save up the money for IVF.
If you don’t understand each other’s Love Language and how it affects your money or what your partner’s money personality is, then you will begin to have conflict. If the conflict isn’t resolved, you add a child to that mix, and suddenly you are a divorce statistic for parents of adopted children. You didn’t start off on this journey to end up divorced.
There are seven core issues in adoption that may resurface or amplify for children during divorce. These issues, from research conducted by Licensed Clinical Social Worker Deborah N. Silverstein and adoption specialist and educator Sharon Roszia, are identified as loss, rejection, guilt/shame, grief, identity, intimacy, and mastery/control. In the book Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections, Jean MacLeod describes how some of these issues can be activated or reactivated for adoptees. For example, an adopted child may feel rejected by both their birth and adopted parents, and grief over a perceived inability to “fit” in the adoptive family.
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What steps should you take to prepare financially for adoption?
- Establish a weekly Money Date
- Determine your income sources
- Plug the leaks in personal spending
- Set financial goals
- Avoid discouragement (Join the Paying for Adoption group to meet others on their journey)
Remember that skills take time to learn, implement, and then flex. After listening to the episode 5 Techniques for Better Money Conversations, if you want to learn more, schedule a 15 minute call to see if you could benefit from one-on-one financial coaching.
